The question about how long or how many dates to go out with someone on before fooling around actually came up on our Midlife Forum – the thread entitled What is Normal?, and because this question is significant, I thought I’d address it here, too. [You can see my original short answer plus the opinions of a number of Midlife Forum participants by looking at that discussion thread.]
So how long do you wait before fooling around? What is appropriate? If you give it up too quickly, is that a bad sign for the potential relationship? Are you just EASY if you give it up within several dates? Are you FRIGID if you don’t give it up within, say, a month or 10 dates, or ??? Does age factor into any of this? Absolutely it does!
And what about the Three Date Rule? What is that, and why is it important?
First of all, everyone is different – and what is right for some is not right for others. So everything is relative – there are no firm answers that apply to everyone. Think of anything you see here (or anywhere on this subject) as a reference point … an input to consider. Better to adapt, not adopt – which means take it all into consideration, and then make your own decisions.
The Three Date Rule
I believe that when you start dating someone, SOMETHING should happen within three dates. That something could be a major kiss, or it could mean some bedroom activity. Chemistry is the key – and if there is chemistry, then certainly at least a make out kiss should take place. Now sometimes people are shy – and if you find yourself at two dates and nothing has happened, but you really do want to step on the gas, then make a plan to get yourself a major kiss. For example, when I am dating someone new – I usually do not kiss on the first date … but at date number two or certainly at date number three, I will give her a big kiss after dinner, typically when I’m opening the car door for her. If she is “into me”, then this always goes over well. If she’s not, well that’s never happened to me – so I don’t know. ha ha But regardless of where you deliver that first kiss, if she doesn’t reciprocate, then it is time to move on.
If you don’t AT LEAST get a major kiss within three dates, then you risk being stuck in the dreaded FRIEND ZONE. You definitely do not want that – because you already have enough friends.
What about bedroom activity? How soon is soon enough to fool around? Once again, I’d say that if there is really good chemistry between two people, then somewhere in the three date range (two dates to four dates) is typical and ideal. Doing it on the first date is usually not the best idea – because you don’t at all know the person, and you risk having it become a ONE NIGHT STAND. But after the first date, if there is extreme chemistry between the two of you, then certainly doing it on the second date is good. Or maybe it makes one or both of you feel better if you wait to date number three.
Are You EASY?
Are you EASY if you sleep with someone on the second or third date? Not necessarily – but you might be considered EASY if you do this all the time … with everyone you meet … and wind up in bed with different people several times or more each month. Otherwise, you are not what most would consider EASY. You might instead just be HOT. ha ha If you sleep with people often on the first date, and find yourself doing this all the time, you might just be a nymphomaniac [see Types of Women – Nymphomaniac for some examples].
Are You FRIGID?
What if you think that jumping into bed with ANYONE after three dates is morally reprehensible? Does that make you FRIGID? It might – but more likely it means that you are just exceptionally picky. And if that works for you, then fine. In such cases, you might discover that you are scaring off good people with such chaste – as they might think you are not interested in them, or that you just want to be friends. Plus most individuals have other options (backburner dates) that they can turn to, if you don’t put out. My point here is that by appearing FRIGID, your risk of losing out on a potentially great relationship is higher than it otherwise would be. [See the short article here called Front Burner, Back Burner Dating Strategy – for background on what I refer to as “backburner dates”.]
Does Age Affect Any of These Answers?
Well, I am currently in my mid-40s – and everything I state above has held true my entire adult life. Certainly in one’s 20s and 30s, people have a lot of hormones running through their veins – and that usually means that sexual activity occurs quickly. In our 40s and at least through our early 50s, many of us have come out of long marriages or long-term relationships, and desire some gratification … which can sometimes be a symptom of a “midlife crisis”. I’ve personally found that late 30s to mid-40s women … typically divorced or separated … are very eager to jump into bed. Perhaps that’s because they came from relationships where sex was absent or rare … but whatever the reason, I do thank them all and applaud their efforts.
Make Your Own Decision
What is right for some is not necessarily correct for all – so take all of this as input, and decide what is best for you. Figure out what your personal point of equilibrium is so that you feel good about yourself, while at the same time you achieve your relationship goals. Only you know what is best for you.
Here’s something else to think about … an ongoing motto of midlifebachelor.com … the golden rule of dating … ALWAYS GO FOR IT! If you are on a date, and don’t know what to do next – just refer to that rule, and everything will be fine. ALWAYS GO FOR IT! Give us YOUR OPINION using our COMMENTING FEATURE down below.