Dump the Date You Never See

People write in to ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR with questions.  An index of all Q&As is located on the ASK MIDLIFE BACHELOR INDEX page. Email your question in complete confidence to [email protected].

DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR:  My husband has always enjoyed looking at and occasionally flirting with other woman.   I believe this to be a normal, healthy thing for any male.  He is a fit attractive man, and has often had woman show him attention.  I honestly believe up until 3 weeks ago he has never slept with another woman (we have been married for 24 years).  I have to add that I feel so loved by him that if he had, I would not feel threatened and have told him this.  He is 4 years older than I.   I have discovered that for approx 30 – 40 minutes twice a week … he is having hot sex with one of his staff – she is 20 years old.   I don’t feel threatened, in fact our sex life has improved even more since this began.  He is unaware I know about his little sideline – he seems to have a new lease on life and I am still as much in love with him as I’ve always been.   My question is – do I tell him that I know what’s going on …  that I’m still totally in love with him, and I’m comfortable with his having  sex on the side (as long as I still get my share)?  He is a realist and I believe he is just enjoying sex with a young woman and has no desire for any type of commitment with her.   Debbie

MLB ANSWER:   Okay – so the first thing I took note of was that you say you have been telling your husband in the past that it would be fine with you for him to have an affair.  Now he is actually doing it – but he has not told you about it.  Do you tell him that you know about his affair, or not?  That’s the question.  The answer is – you have to really think about all of the possible consequences of you telling him you know about his affair.  Since he knows that you said previously you would be okay with it – he may not be telling you about it for a good reason.  It could be that he doesn’t want to take the chance that you will change your mind … or it could be that he is really having fun, and is seriously reconsidering being married to you … or it could be that he just thinks that the less that is said, the better.  He might not tell you because he could be afraid that YOU want to go and have an affair – and he might not want you to do that.  My answer to you – consider all of the possibilities, and then decide whether you want to inform him that you know about his hot affair.  My own personal opinion is – the less that is said, the better … so I would advise not saying anything.   There are a couple of Short Midlife Articles here that discuss affairs and also why much younger women are sometimes attracted to midlife men. You might check out Extramarital Affair – An Unanticipated Lesson and also Are Midlife Men Attractive to Women in their Twenties? Regardless – please report back to us with what happens, okay?



DEAR MIDLIFE BACHELOR: Do you think I should dump this guy? I’ve only seen him in person a couple of times since he lives two hours away, but we email a lot. His wife filed for divorce on February 25th … in Mississippi … a hearing is set, and his is late May. I haven’t seen him since January, but we email almost daily, never go more than two days without writing but we haven’t talked on the phone at all in months. I’ve really held it in – I wouldn’t want to compromise his divorce/settlement/child custody issues….but at what point do I say, what is going on? I mean should I just write this one off? I have been out with others during this time, but this guy is really a neat person … we clicked … we had awesome sex once (New Year’s) … in fact, it’s a little scary, but I’m not interested in the marriage thing right now … just someone to have fun with and do things with. I think he feels the same way but we don’t discuss anything…I think I’m wanting to believe that once his divorce is final we’ll talk more about it. I think his wife knows about me … we are on each other’s linkedin.com profiles, and I’ve seen where she has looked at mine … what am I doing? Am I being totally stupid? I hate dating….it sucks!!! I’m too old for the stupid games…told him in the fall, I’m not playing them, I don’t want to be the rebound girl, that he needs to do that with someone else….I’ve lost my voice in this thing. Liz, Age 45, Madison, TN

MLB ANSWER: In my book, if I really like a woman … I will pick up the phone, and call her every single day … sometimes maybe even more than once each day. Plus – I would want to see her … but with the geographical/child/work-related constraints you mention, I would still manage to see you at least once every other week or so. But all of the aforementioned is just ME … others are different.

Okay – so in all the years I’ve been a bachelor, one thing I’ve really learned is to go with my “gut instinct”. In other words, if something tells you that something is not quite right … then it probably isn’t. I could give dozens of examples where this has been true in my love life. Of course, sometimes my “gut feeling” has been completely wrong … people sometimes for various reasons do give off the wrong impression due to various complications. So what I’m really saying here is – trust your instincts, watch your back, and make sure you are having fun. Don’t commit unless the other person is matching your commitment 100%. Just for fun, you might consider reading the new Midlife Article here entitled What Mid 40s Men Want in a Woman … and see how you stack up versus the female competition out there! I bet a Brazilian wax job would get his attention … yes!

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About the Author

Midlife Bachelor chronicles lifestyle, dating, and relationship experiences and advice to avoid a midlife crisis. Readers like you are often beyond young adulthood in their 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s that want to understand how dating, sex, relationships, and love fit in with our lifestyles.